The majority of the junk mail I get invariably has a disclaimer at the bottom like the following: “Under Bill S1618 Title III passed by the 105^th US Congress, this message shall not be considered SPAM as the sender has included contact information and an immediate method of removal.”

Don’t believe it. I fell for the joke, too, and spent the better part of a morning trying to unsubscribe or remove myself from several pest posts. The next morning, I woke up to even more e-mail informing me that my cancellation replies couldn’t be delivered to the e-mail address provided. You’re better off just deleting the original e-mail in its entirety.

Just to compare notes, here’s a sampling of the junk I found in my electronic mail box this morning. If you’re really deeply interested in any of these offers, e-mail me and I’ll see if I can get you on their mailing list.

“Kickstart your career” reads the first subject heading, promising “a prosperous future, money earning power, and the admiration of all. Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities based on your present knowledge and life experience. No required tests, classes, books or interviews.” Parties interested in a bachelor, master, MBA, or Ph.D. degree are given a phone number to call ( 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including Sundays and holidays) “to receive your diploma within days.”

Now, that’s my kind of university! Why waste four or more perfectly good years of your life when you only need to make a single phone call? Alas, my life experience has taught me not to respond to such foolery.

“Debt by destruction” promises to “terminate credit card debt,” never mind that I don’t have any. Just how this was to be accomplished wasn’t explained, but I was assured that it was “100% Private, LEGAL, Ethical, Moral, Inexpensive, Effective, and will relieve you of the burden QUICKLY and PAINLESSLY.” To learn more, I would have to Click Here! Ordinary words that begin with capital letters or are written in all caps are another sign that you’re being spammed. Hit the delete key or trash icon. 

The next e-mail in my box offers a 3.75% fixed mortgage for 30 years, directing me to apply online now. I managed to pass on this one, too.

“Why clone sheep, clone your DVD’s” asks another. This has something to do with copying a DVD to a CD using your CD burner and directs you to the company’s web site. I don’t have a CD burner, but I was touched by their apologetic disclaimer: “This e-mail is sent in compliance with strict anti-abuse regulations. Your address was collected as a result of: posting to a database seeking business opportunities, a classified ad, you have sent us an E-mail in the past, you are on a list that we have purchased, we are on the same safe-list, or we have exchanged business opportunities in the past. If you are no longer interested in receiving information, please click on the link below. We honor all removal requests.” Not touched enough to reply, however.

“News” wasn’t so much disconcerting as simply confusing. If you can make sense of the following, get in touch. Maybe there’s an Internet marketing opportunity I’m not aware of. I quote:

“Hype, PowerLines, & Downline-Building Promises Outrageous Income Claims & Benefactoring. When you recruit using any of these tactics, you have a downline full of People expecting a free ride, expecting something that you cannot deliver or they cannot achieve. A downline that will be disappointed and blame you, so your reputation suffers as it should. A downline that will soon be gone. IF you can see the TRUTH in that statement, then maybe you're ready for something REAL. No hook, no hype, no lies or misleading tactics.”

Not much in the way of syntax, cohesion or comprehension, either. Another trash take out.

“Urgent about your money” informs me that I can “set my own hours, work from home,” and make more in the process in a year than Elvis ever dreamed of. Actually, Elvis wasn’t mentioned by name, but “unlimited earning potential” was. I didn’t have the heart to e-mail them back and tell them that I already set my own hours and worked at home, albeit with limited earning potential.

“Here’s your free gift” from Joanna turns out to be a “Limited Time Offer!!!” for “FREE Adult Lifetime Membership” in “5 of the Best Adult Sites on the Internet.” This included the easy to remember password, EzKWGy4H. If you didn’t get one, feel free to use mine.

I’m still awaiting the day when real Viagra pills start showing up in my physical mail box, not pale electronic offers and URLs for same.