On the eleventh of September, agents of your Al Qaeda network – or individuals we suspect were acting as your agents – struck America a dastardly blow. In New York City, some 5000 people are feared lost in the collapse of the World Trade Center’s twin towers. Nearly another 200 people lost their lives at the Pentagon.

As a result, our president formed an international coalition intended to rid Afghanistan of you, your Al Qaeda operatives, and the ruling Taliban. If you’ve been watching TV, and I suspect you have, even in that cave you call home, you are aware that American-led forces have launched a massive bombing campaign against any and all Taliban targets. Said bombing recently resulted in the capture of the strategic city, Mazar-i-Sharif, by forces of the Northern Alliance, followed by the fall of Kabul.

Like most Americans, I and my employees have been content to let the president and our military conduct the campaign against organized terror. After all, that’s what they’re paid to do. But, now, I’m afraid you’ve gone too far. Members of the elite MIS (Microsoft Intelligence Services) accompanying the Northern Alliance as they occupied Mazar-i-Sharif and Kabul report finding pirated copies of my new Windows XP operating system in the shops and bazaars of those two cities. 

This will not stand. 

It is one thing to attack America, but another to pirate Microsoft software. Having just defeated our own Department of Justice and its ill-advised attempt to portray us as a ruthless monopoly, I have no hesitation in bringing the might of Microsoft to bear against those who would illegally copy our operating system and Office programs.

Every day that the American Air Force fails to force your complete capitulation and ultimate surrender means another day in which your underground CD-burning facilities are allowed to churn out fake copies of XP. Accordingly, I have ordered my vice-president, Steve Ballmer, to initiate the following actions:

First, the outright purchase of the 101^st Airborne, who will shortly be parachuting into your backyard, armed with generous stock-option incentives. Each one will also be issued an X-box as part of our psy-war ops designed to drive you and the Taliban absolutely mad.

Secondly, I have directed VP Ballmer to subcontract the German and Japanese armies, while maintaining NATO on standby status. As their respective constitutions and bureaucratic red tape presently prohibit those countries sending active duty troops abroad, it was felt that putting them under the umbrella of a multinational monopoly was the most effective way to proceed. Some things governments are good at, others are best left to Microsoft. Accordingly, they will be accompanying the 101st into your backyard, or equivalent thereof.

Thirdly, I’ve instructed our CFO to make our considerable coffers available to our own Air Force, the better to ensure non-stop, round-the-clock bombing of any remaining surface targets. All AF personnel and planes will continue to operate under U.S. government guidance; we will simply be making additional munitions available on an as needed basis.

Fourth and finally, in order to reflect new global realities, I’m changing our name from Microsoft to Microhard. Note that, effective today, our stock symbol will change from MSFT to MHRD.

So, Mr. bin Laden, what will it be? You can immediately desist pirating our software and open a Passport, Hotmail, and MSN account like everyone else — or face utter annihilation. The choice is yours.

Choose wisely, but choose soon. The 101st is closing in. And this time we’re not taking any prisoners.

Sincerely,
Bill Gates
Commander in Chief
Microhard
Redmond, Washington

PS: I should add that our unified front against terrorism and software pirates also embodies a humanitarian component as well. Over the next few days we’ll be air-dropping millions of MREs and blankets, each accompanied by a coupon good for $20 off on an upgrade to Windows XP. However, this coupon is good for a limited time and only at participating retailers. One coupon per family, please.